This Is Our Youth

DENNIS. I think I went too far with her before. But I can't even deal with it right now. I'm too freaked out. (Dennis lies down on his back.) I just can't believe this, man, it's like so completely bizarre. And it's not like I even liked the guy that much, you know? I just knew him. You know? But if we had been doing those speedballs last night we could both be dead now Do you understand how close that is? I mean ... It's death. Death. It's so incredibly heavy, it's like so much heavier than like ninety-five percent of the shit you deal with in the average day that constitutes your supposed life, and it's like so totally off to the side it's like completely ridiculous. I mean that was it. That was his life. Period. The Life of Stuart. A fat Jew from Long Island with a grotesque accent who sold drugs and ate steak and did nothing of note like whatsoever. I don't know, man. I'm like, high on fear. I feel totally high on fear. I'm like — I don't even know what to do with myself. I wanna like go to cooking school in Florence, or like go into show business. I could so totally be a completely great chef it's like ridiculous. Or like an actor or like a director. I should totally direct movies, man, I'd be a genius at it. Like if you take the average person with the average sensibility or sense of humor or the way they look at the world and what thoughts they have or what they think, and you compare it to the way I look at shit and the shit I come up with to say, or just the slant I put on shit, there's just like no comparison at all. I could totally make movies, man, I would be like one of the greatest movie makers of all time. Plus I am like so much better at sports than anyone I know except Wally and those big black basketball players, man, but I totally played with those guys and completely earned their respect, and Wally was like, "Denny, man, you are the only white friend I have who I can take uptown and hang out with my friends and not be embarrassed." Because I just go up there and hang out with them and like get them so much more stoned than they've ever been in their life and like am completely not intimidated by them at all. You know?
I'm high on fear, man. I am completely stoned out of my mind on fear. And like you guys think I'm like totally confident and on top of it, but it's not true at all. My fuckin' mother is so fuckin' harsh and wildly extreme that I just got trained to snap back twice as hard the minute anybody starts to fuck with me. That's how I fight with Valerie. Like the minute we get into an argument whatever she says to me I just double it and totally get in her face until she backs down or like has to like, leave the room. And it completely works too, because I don't have to take any of the shit I see all my male friends taking from their fuckin' girlfriends, or like the shit my father takes from my mother. I mean all he does is fuckin' lord it over everybody man, over all my brothers and sisters and like all his fuckin' assistants and his dealers and agents and like all these fuckin' celebrities who buy his art, because he totally knows that he's like a complete living genius and so he's like, "Why should I spend two minutes talking to anybody I don't want to?" Except now he's like torturing everyone constantly because he basically never doesn't have to pee, and my mother is freaking out because she's working fourteen hours a day because they cut the money out of all her programs and she's totally predicting major inner city catastrophe in years to come, and she completely has his balls in a vice. She's like, "Eddie, you're an asshole. Eddie, nobody gives a shit if you have to pee: You always have to pee, so shut up." She just tramples him, man. She's like, "No matter what you do it doesn't matter, because all you do is sell a bunch of paintings to like one percent of the population and I'm out there every day like, saving children's lives and trying to help real people who are being destroyed by Ronald Reagan — So whatever you do and however famous you are it's just a total tissue of conceit, because it's got nothing to do with anybody but rich people." She just makes total emasculated mincemeat out of him and the only thing he can do to fight back is go fuck some twenty year-old groupie, only now he can't do that anymore because he's so sick, so he's just totally in her power, and all he can do is torture her from like a totally weaker position, and she's like laughing in his face. My family is sick, man, they're sick. You think your fuckin' father is crazy? What if like everywhere he went total strangers like worshiped him as a god? Wait till his health starts to go. Can you imagine what that's like? Like seriously, what does that feel like, to be looking ahead like five years and not knowing whether you're still gonna be here? You can totally see why people are religious, man. I mean how much better would it be to think you're gonna be some - where, you know? Instead of absolutely nowhere. Like gone, forever. (Pause.) That is so fuckin' scary. I am so fuckin' scared right now (Pause.) I gotta call my girlfriend. You have totally fucked me up, by the way. How emblematic of your personality is it that you walk into a room for ten minutes and break the exact item calculated to wreak the maximum possible amount of havoc, no matter where you are? You're a total troublemaker, Warren. I should totally ban you from my house. I am so keyed up. I can't shut up. I wish Valerie was here. Maybe I should call that girl Natalie and see if she'll come over and give me a blowjob. She really likes me, man. She told my sister I had beautiful eyes. (Pause.) I do have totally amazing eyes. They're a completely amazing, unique shape. Like most people with my kind of eyes aren't shaped like this at all. My eyes are like totally intense and direct. Like if I look people in the eye, like nine out of ten people can't even hold my gaze. Did you do any of that coke?
Notes: http://www.amazon.com/This-Our-Youth-Kenneth-Lonergan/dp/0822217031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428349004&sr=8-1&keywords=This+is+our+youth
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Word count: 1143

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